To kick off my new WEBSITE which is “Open During Construction”, I wanted to have a Grand Opening interactive event.

So here it is, sponsored by the Ernietown
NATIONAL GLOBE-RECYCLER…

CONTEST

SLANDER ERNIE - TABLOID STYLE

Standing in the checkout line a few days ago and looking at the National Enquirer and The Weekly World News, it suddenly occurred to me that Famous People are only famous because they appear in the trash tabloids, not the other way around. Because most of these people are only seen in the tabloids and apparently have no other job.

Well, since I haven’t gotten much press since Hardware Wars and that was thirty years ago I’m getting desperate. And as the old press agents would always say " Say anything you like, just spell the name correctly" F-O-S-S-E-L-I-U-S. And we know that any press is Good Press. Like counting just the hits on your website regardless of whether they are good or bad responses.

So I am inviting everyone to help make me famous again by association with all those other maligned and slandered celebs. I am calling for entries and asking you to submit your most outlandish fake slams and exposes of me in the form of checkout line tabloid headlines, photos, articles, graphics. Like the examples below. The more outrageous, outlandish and unbelievable the better.

BEARDLESS BIN-LADIN
POSING AS HAS-BEEN FILMMAKER

ARTIST RECEIVES PSYCHIC PREDICTIONS

- from Talking Avocado!

FOSSELMAN, MISSING LINK,
IS BIGFOOT' S POKER PARTNER

ERNIE FOSSELIUS IS SECRET
HERMAPHRODITE ELVIS IMPERSONATOR!

Performs Illegal Gay Marriages in Vegas
- with SINGING JACKALOPE!

SEEING IS NOT BELIEVING !
YOU CAN NO LONGER TRUST A PHOTOGRAPH TO BE TRUE.
AND NONE OF THIS FUN WOULD BE POSSIBLE WITHOUT PHOTOSHOP!

You could still do it the old fashioned way. When I was a kid we would take a number two pencil with an eraser and alter photos in the newspaper. You know, erase out a distinguished lady’s chestal area and draw in giant boobs as fully shaded and rendered as we could manage. Then we left the paper for an unsuspecting person and watched from a safe distance for the hilarious reactions and shocked facial expressions. Now it only takes a computer and Photoshop to do the same thing today. And so many people engage in these fun, anarchistic hoaxes and pranks and deceptions that we have no way of knowing what’s real anymore. I think that may be a good thing. But even with the right equipment, it still takes a special kind of twisted mind to pull it off. So get to work, have FUN smearing Ernie tabloid style, find your inner Karl Rove and out me as a Secret Alien Tax Agent From Mars, or write an article, but keep those scandalous, revolting, far-fetched photos, headlines and articles coming in! All will be posted. Judging will be based on artistic merit, wackiness of concept, and cheesiness of style.

THE FIRST TEN ENTRANTS POSTING A PHOTO, HEADLINE, ARTICLE OR GRAPHIC WILL RECEIVE AN AUTOGRAPHED DVD OF HARDWARE WARS.

Send all entries to contest@ernietown.com

Thank you, Ernie “Bigfoot’s Podiatrist” Fosselius